How hard it is to be so passionate about something you are willing to sacrifice nearly everything to have it, only to find out at the end of the day, it was not yours to have, or always just a little too far beyond your reach.
All of us, no matter who we are, are all so vulnerable to feeling so meaningless. It doesn’t matter your station in life or what you have accomplished. At any given moment, on any given day, someone or some event can take something away from you, stripping you down the way finish is sanded off from old furniture.
Sometimes it is unintentional; and sometimes the sting is intended to be felt. Either way, the heart lies heavy in our chest, pressing so deeply inside of us our bones could break from the weight.
I first felt this pain when I was a young girl and I was left at a halfway house on my way to foster care and then adoption. I remember sitting on a bed in a room crying in desperate wails only a child can make. I can still see me bent over on the bed, a huddled child with tears unwiped and sobs unheard. I remember pressing my face against the windowpane, searching the streets with their mysterious shadows for a glimpse of my mother; a mother I knew from too much experience would not be coming back to get me anytime soon. I did not mean to let her take so much from me, but the turning of her back had the force of being lifted by the strongest wind of a hurricane. I was just left standing there after the fact, my heart the weight of a boulder bulging in my chest, thinking how little I must have mattered to be left behind so easily.
I also felt this feeling when my child died…that deep agonizing pain that screams cannot diminish; that sleep does not eliminate; that light cannot raise up. Sitting in a rocking chair holding her for the last time, my child, swaddled in a blanket with only her little face peeking out at me; and me, knowing she was no longer there. I had fought for her with all I had to muster, and never turned my back to leave her alone with strangers. I stood there after the fact, owning the pain of that indescribable searing of my heart that burns into blackness, thinking how little I must have mattered that she could have been taken from me so easily.
The feelings were the same: A little girl watching my mother slip from my life;
A young mother watching my little girl’s life slip from mine.
How meaningless sometimes my life has seemed.
How I have struggled to figure out what possibly exists out there that makes it worth it; that makes it worth wanting to try to do something that will matter in the moment, and be so insignficant later.
Some days the matter of living is not so simple a task. Though the weight of the pain subsides and shrinks back into the recesses unseen and sometimes unfelt, there remains a giant charcoal pit where the heart once cried with firey tears; a crater made of scars - the unseen scars you wear which is all that is left to remind you it happened.
Sometimes we let people take a lot from us and maybe, it is just because we are used to giving it up.
New Years Resolution #1: Avoid, at all costs, the unavailable and unattainable. Even if they or it, give pause to think otherwise, pay attention to the elephant in the living room. It is taking up the space on your sofa for a reason.
This resolution was the hardest to write and has the most personal meaning to me. I decided to try a different technique - something I used to do years ago….stream of consciousness poetry.
I did not plan to have my life run into yours.
When I saw your hand upon the door, I never guessed
that calling you back, would mean something more
than simply calling you back.
When the night prevailed I never thought
there would be much more to say.
I thought it was just another night; another conversation;
another person with a broken heart whose path I crossed.
A rocking chair sitting in one’s heart with someone sitting in it,
leaves no room for a guest.
You did not believe me. You told me you did not think that true.
When you left the first time
I never gave a second thought to you.
But soon enough the forces that remain so unexplained
began to move and as they did, we did.
Blasts of energy cascading color into the sky
with brilliant starlight and human silhouettes
as backdrops against the dusky night.
There was a dance for every song, and a song for every dance.
There was a touch, a sigh, a tear, a laugh.
Stories told that wrenched at heart strings; stories shared
that spoke of hope.
But gray filled skies and whipping winds;
A mountaintop with aging trees, sadly began to
mirror the foreboding in my heart.
I knew the risk; I heard the voice; I saw your eyes so
sorrow filled. I wiped away the tears most times;
and swallowed mine.
I turned a blind eye to the inevitable –
the songs of dance that were not meant for me;
the twisted turmoil river running down
your face with a destination that would not
end with me.
I denied the pain of being left to guess;
for a voice that never rang or plan that never
came. I sat in knowing wait.
Things never stay the same.
Things always change.
Someone always leaves. Something always dies.
And as quickly as your hand released the door
and came to pass the time with me;
So came the closing of a different door that
quickly shut; a silent echoed slamming I feel
and hear in sleep with all the days that pass.
A rocking chair sitting in one’s heart with someone sitting in it,
leaves no room for a guest.
You did not believe me.
But now you do.
New Year’s Resolution #4: Remember how lucky I am to wake up in the morning, no matter how crappy the day may become. The alternative is worse. Look for the goodness.
I think the gift of life is totally underrated. We seem to appreciate it when babies are born or when loved ones die. We appreciate it when we hear about plane crashes or devastating earthquakes. For brief periods of time
following a tragedy, we acknowledge the value of life and the shortness of it, aware of our mortality. We extol the virtues of life and the ability to do what we can.
Slowly but surely, the troubles of the day begin to sink in. The car won’t start. The hot water pipe is frozen. The kids are screaming. The bills, the boss, the bank, the boyfriend…many different problems and influences impact the kind of day we are going to have. The troubles of life are often times bigger than the privilege of having it. It is easy to forget, or rather difficult to remember, that life is short, and as I am fond of saying “This ain’t no dress rehearsal.”
In many ways, it is just sheer luck to wake up every morning; to have the opportunity to have another day to tell my children I love them; to see the smiles on my grandchildren’s faces; to spend time with friends; to smell the air; or feel the sun against my face.
Reading any paper or watching the news on television makes it abundantly clear how quickly life can be taken from you, with no opportunity for a final run or second chance. As much as we are burdened by our problems (most of them people made) we should not lose sight of how amazing and incredible it is to be here. We must not undervalue the experiences we get to have and the lives that touch us everday. It should not have to be a discipline to remember to be thankful for life, and yet with so many distractions, it is almost necessary to take a step back, breathe, and remember the alternative to life. A second in time can change everything and you often get no warning.
I am lucky to wake up in the morning. As I write this blog it is morning. The pink curtains in my bedroom are twirling and fluttering as the heat pushes up against them. The morning light, still gray and soft, is just beginning to filter in between the slats of the window blinds. I can feel the warmth of the blankets swaddled around me as I write, and with all of my own personal problems, I am truly grateful that I am here another day.
My resolution is to take time everyday to give life the tribute it deserves. No matter what the roadblock may be; no matter what the card is I may be dealt; no matter how difficult or hurtful an experience may be - it is up to me to decide the kind of day I am going to have. I choose life and to be happy in it; to find the goodness in it.
If you concentrate on finding whatever is good in every situation, you will discover that your life will suddenly be filled with gratitude, a feeling that nurtures the soul.
– Rabbi Harold Kushner
This is not one of the resolutions, but appropriate for circumstances I recently needed to deal with.
You can tell a lot about a person by what it takes to get them upset. Our emotions are either controlled by our circumstances or our character. When someone is rude, our emotions say, “Pay them back. Get even”, which doesn’t take much discipline! But when our strength is under control and we’ve taken the time to develop our character, we realize, “I’m bigger than this. I’m not going to let them pull me down. I’ve got places to go, goals to accomplish and dreams to bring to fruition.”
We can’t always control how others treat us, but we can control how we react to others. We’re not supposed to drag through the day frustrated, upset and offended. We’re supposed to be full of joy, peace and victory.
When you allow what someone says or does to upset you, you allow them to control you. When you say “you make me so mad”, you are admitting to giving away your power. What someone says about you does not define who you are. Their opinion of you does not determine your self worth. They have every right to have their opinion and you have every right to ignore it. You don’t have to respond to every critic and try to prove to people who you are. You must stay on the high road. I think we all know people who say things or do things that offend us. It is very difficult to accept they have every right to say what they want, but we have every right not to be offended.
People have the right to be obnoxious, rude and inconsiderate. We have the right to be kind, happy and friendly. I have known people in my life that never seem to be happy. There is always something wrong; always some complaint or criticism. Always some conflict that needs to be confronted. The negativity in others is a poison that we cannot allow to contaminate us. We have to decide for ourselves how our day is going to be. We get to choose how the behaviors and words of others will impact our life. We do get to “turn the other cheek.” Meekness does not equal weakness. Meekness is strength under control. A wild horse tamed is still just as strong, with the same power and speed; you can walk up, pat him or ride him, but he still has the same power and veracity as before. His strength, however, is under control.
We all have the strength and power to do something about people who push our buttons. We all have the ability to “straighten” somebody out. But, really, our time is too valuable. Those who attempt to oppress us must be pretty impressed with us, or they wouldn’t try to pull us down. Take the high road. Walk away.
New Year’s Resolution #6: Respect and LISTEN to my inner voice. Need I say more about that!
We all have it. You know, that little pesty voice inside your head that is talking to you all the time. This voice is usually considered an annoyance or distraction; and has a particular habit of wanting to talk right when you are in the middle of doing something that is probably wrong, stupid or just plain not good for you.
Well, maybe we don’t all have it. Charles Manson probably doesn’t have it. The little assholes responsible for the Mont Vernon home invasion clearly don’t have it. And for sure the Underwear Bomber doesn’t have it.
So, most of us have it. Some say it is the voice of reason; our conscience; or intuition…whatever it is, the voice speaks to us and tries to help us make better decisions.
Often times, the voice is ignored.
Studies have been done of survivors of vicious assaults and many of those interviewed said that they had a feeling, or intuition not to get into the elevator; not to jog in a certain area; not to get in the car with someone they just met. Most of these victims ignored their inner voice. They patently disregarded the voice, thinking it silly.
Fortunately, most of us who choose to zip the lip of our inner voice, do not suffer such tragedy as the people above mentioned. We do, however, put ourselves through things that are pretty unpleasant and might have otherwise been avoided had we paid closer attention.
I, myself, can think of several occasions in the not so distant past when that little voice was trying to steer me away from a particular situation. One event in particular, I would find myself many times during the course of a day sshhhhushing that voice; ignoring my intuition and stuffing down the voice of reason. At times my inner voice manifested itself in ways my body would react. I felt shakey and tired; jittery at times. I knew, down deep, that the inner voice was right to move me away from what I was doing, but I perservered believing in time the circumstances would change in my favor. I ignored all the signs and even in my effort to “do the right thing” would eventually dismiss my whispering savior. I had no respect whatsoever for that nagging little mini me tugging on my ear, and continued with superior indignation in the pursuit of my so-called “happiness.”
In the end, the outcome was not what I wanted, but I was truthfully not surprised. The inner voice(s) had been telling me to stay clear, to walk away, to take care of myself. I thought I knew better; thought I was smarter. I wasn’t.
Luckily, this was a matter of the heart and didn’t have the consequence of jogging in an area I had a bad feeling about. Yes, matters of the heart are still life altering, but without the paralysis that other tragedies leave behind.
This year I will heed my inner voice. I will respect its experience and knowledge and not dismiss it as inconsequential like some bug buzzing around my head.
I have paid the price for my ticket on this journey and my inner voice is the tour guide. I have to respect that the guide probably knows the road a little better than I do.
New Year’s Resolution #7: Enjoy life more (is that possible?) and learn something new!
You might wonder why I would have a resolution to enjoy life more. It would seem that enjoying life would just be a natural occurrence that a person wouldn’t have to make an effort to do. But, the truth of the matter is a lot of us are mired down in our own shit or the shit of others. (For further reference, see Blog 2).
As I reflect back on the last several years, I know I have spent a lot of time worrying. While it is true, I have had a lot to worry about, it is also true that often times the worrying interfered with my ability to appreciate, absorb and embrace all the things in my life that were amazing. I became so consumed with worrying, I could feel the negativity taking over my body, like the alien that lived inside of Sigourney Weaver (in a few of the movies she was in).
Sometime during the last three or four months, and I can’t pinpoint the day or time, I suddenly paid attention to the words I often used when speaking with others…”This is no dress rehearsal; we are going to do the dirt nap a lot longer than we will live.” Finally, I took to heart the sentiments I had been sharing with others to motivate them to seize the moment.
Yes, the issues exist for all of us that cause us to worry, but those concerns should not make us become self-absorbed, thoughtless or unavailable to people we love and care about. Once I really “got” this concept, I felt a burden taken off my shoulders and I was able to be present in the moment I was experiencing. We can’t go back and re-live them. We are here now and worrying doesn’t solve our problems; but possibly a solution lies in where we are. I resolved that I would keep a good heart and focus on the positives; that the money I didn’t have, the cards I have been dealt for good or for bad, should not detract from my ability to keep a good heart.
Worrying will always be a facet of life and of our humanness, but our present moment will slip through our fingers, never to be recaptured. Even if you visit the same place twice, the experience is never the same. So, I decided, worrying could stay in the back and I would be grateful for what is with me and before me. This attitude has totally changed my life. Resilience is an understated attribute and I am definitely enjoying the gift of my life more than I ever have.
As for learning something new, I have never been one to sit idle, but feel in the recent past I have been paralyzed in some ways. (Probably the worrying and dealing with the shit (See Blog #2)). Part of enjoying life is being open to new things and new experiences. I have not yet decided what the new thing is I am going to learn, but life is not scripted and I expect I will know soon enough what the new thing will be.
There is still a whole journey that awaits me on my path and for the first time in a long time, I am excited (not afraid) of what lies behind each corner. I am enthusiastic about the adventure and appreciate in a whole new way the miracle of each day. I know this sounds very cliched, but it is truly what is in my heart.
I believe writing this blog or following this blog, will illustrate how much this particular resolution has changed me for the better. And, ultimately, that is what is important….becoming a better person.
Avoid vexations to the spirit. Life is hard enough without putting up with the negativity of others.
The best way to address this resolution is to talk about making an effort to surround oneself with positive energy. This is an alternative to focusing on the negative.
Let’s face it - life has shit in it. Sometimes it has a LOT of shit in it. Sometimes you can control the shit; sometimes the shit just finds you, especially if, as in my case, you seem to be some kind of shit magnet; and sometimes the shit is just a shit cloud that hovers over the top of you, dropping little shitballs everywhere you go. There is probably always going to be shit. Someone is always going to die; someone is always going to leave. When the mortgage payment is finally paid, the furnace will die and poison you in the process. When you buy new panty hose to wear to the big Christmas party, you will stick your finger through them putting them on for the first time. Raccoons will choose your house and your roof to have its babies in, even though there are a hundred other, nicer and bigger roofs in which to give birth; and when your friend comes to pick you up to take you to the movies, you will not be able to open the door to get outside, because a possum will decide to play dead on the top step, blocking your exit. Your hair will go through four different hair processes before finally arriving at a color which will still be wrong after a four hour hair marathon, and then you will get stopped by the police on your way home. You will lose your love, your job, financial security, your house, your pride, your way, and after all of that, your granddaughter will be overdosed by the pharmacist.
No one escapes the shit. Some people seem to have more shit than others, but everyone, at some point in time, experiences the stench of shit. You cannot hide from shit. Some shit you choose; some shit chooses you; some shit someone chooses for you. There has been and always will be shit. So, what can you really do to deal with the shit?
Since you know, can count on and rely on the fact there will be shit (vexations to the spirit) you have to figure out how to maintain a positive attitude. You have to keep thinking up, learn the art of forgiveness, and surround yourself with things that bring happiness to you, so that you do not reflect onto others, the shit that you have been dealt.
Life is not easy, thanks to shit, but I am still happy everyday that I get to experience the relationship I have with my children; the laughter I share with friends, and the gifts I do have to offer others. My resolution is that no matter how big the shitsunami, I am going to keep my head raised, do the best I can, keep smiling a contagious smile, and believe that someday soon, I will come out ahead of the shitstorm.
Tonight, after a long hiatus from acting, I returned to share the stage with old friends and new friends. I realized sitting among all of these talented and funny people, how much I missed the energy and camaradarie afforded by the theater venue. Even with all the shit we all collectively brought to the table, the positive energy of sharing our talents and skills, made the shitpile seem pretty small, if non-existent.
It has only been seven days into the New Year, but I know that I am capable of staying up no matter how deep the shit. I may have lost a lot of shit, but I have a loving, supportive family; great friends; and I am still breathing.
A positive attitude is Immodium A-D for shit.
When you get to be my age, you have been through the New Year’s resolution bit many, many times. I can’t say a hundred times, because that would place me at just around the century mark, and I am not THAT old. Suffice it to say, I have spent the latter part of December making my January resolutions about 30 times (because I didn’t really start thinking it was that important until I was in my twenties). These resolutions are probably like the ones others think up; lose weight; exercise more (part of losing weight); be kinder; nicer to my family, stop eating junk; drink less; lose weight…oh yeah, already said that.
On Facebook, which has become quite the social network since I last blogged, I listed about seven resolutions. They were:
New Year’s Resolution #7: Enjoy life more (is that possible?) and learn something new!
New Year’s Resolution #6: Respect and LISTEN to my inner voice. Need I say more about that!
New Year’s Resolution #5: Start blogging again.
New Year’s Resolution #4: Remember how lucky I am to wake up in the morning, no matter
how crappy the day may become. The alternative is worse. Look for the goodness.
New Year’s Resolution #3: When deciding to run a marathon in New Jersey on May 2, 2010, be sure to train properly to avoid mishaps that occurred in the past :-/. Maybe start by running 13 miles more than twice prior to the marathon, and to remember to bring toilet paper.
New Years Resolution #2: Avoid vexations to the spirit. Life is hard enough without putting up with the negativity of others.
New Years Resolution #1: Avoid, at all costs, the unavailable and unattainable. Even if they or it, give pause to think otherwise, pay attention to the elephant in the living room. It is taking up the space on your sofa for a reason.
In writing my resolutions, I realized how long it had been since I had blogged. I mean, who the hell knows if anyone ever actually reads the stuff you blog, but for certain blogging was a good exercise for me. Blogging kept my creative juices flowing and I would get excited about thinking of a topic I could joke about, be serious about or contemplate.
In a way, Facebook sort of took the energy out of writing for me. Don’t get me wrong, I love Facebook…it is a great way to keep up with people without having to actually talk to them. Text messaging is another method that has made it entirely possible to “talk” to people without hearing their voice. Not sure if that is good or bad, but I know at the end of the day, the last thing I want to do is talk on the phone. Send me a text, Facebook me, whatever, but lord forbid don’t call and make me have to actually listen to you.
So, anyway, back to blogging. Two things occurred that made me start thinking about blogging again. The first thing was that I watched Julie and Julia. The story line is in 1949, Julia Child is in Paris, the wife of a diplomat, wondering how to spend her days. She tries hat making, bridge, and then cooking lessons at Cordon Bleu. It’s there she discovers her passion. In 2002, Julie Powell, underemployed and a failed novelist, about to turn 30, decides to cook her way through “Mastering the Art of French Cooking” in a year and to blog about it. These stories intertwine of two women learning to cook and finding success. Julie Powell blogged every day about whatever dish it was she cooked. She worked all day, but still found the time to cook and BLOG.
The second thing that inspired me was my son, Nick. Nick is actually a creative genius. Some of his genius is carefully hidden under his baggy pants and scruffy face, but honestly, the kid is a creative wizard. He can compose songs - both lyrics and beats - and he can write stories with amazing skill.
Nick has been going through a rather difficult period. He did not have access to a computer, but he wanted to write his thoughts about his life and what he was going through so he went about writing an autobiography of sorts on his iPHONE. Now imagine typing 30 pages of text on your cell phone. iPhones are great, but really!
I figured if some chick in the last decade could work all day, cook a meal out of Julia Child’s book AND blog; and if Nick can type thirty pages on a little cell phone, I should be able to write something everyday using a computer.
Unfortunately, I got a bit of a late late start since today is January 7, 2010, and this is my first writing. It took awhile for my blog to go back up, but now it is and I have to make up the other six days quickly.
So, my next six blogs will be about the other six resolutions and why I made them. Maybe someone will actually read them; maybe not. But who knows, maybe at the end of the year, I will have written something that makes a difference and get published just like Julie Powell.
You just never know.
1957 - 2007 (in the USA ).
Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?
2. Teaching Math In 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels f eel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it’s ok. )
6. Teaching Math In 2009
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?